Saturday, February 9, 2008

Time: do we ever have enough?

Or too much??

I hate clocks. I don't wear a watch (but I do peek at the time on my cell phone and car dashboard).
There were times in my life when it seemed all I ever did was battle Time.

Like everyone else, I'd have to be on Time for work. Get the kids to school on Time.
Coffee break Time. Lunch Time. Watch the clock at work as it slowly crawled towards Time To Go Home. I don't know if workers today are ruled by the Clock like we were back in the 70's and 80's. My goodness, if we (we secretaries) were a minute late - people actually stared at you as if you'd committed a crime. How ridiculous!

Then it was supper Time, homework Time, bath Time, and finally finally at around 10:00 I could sit down and enjoy a cup of coffee with my husband. Yes, coffee at that late hour. Back in those days, I could eat pizza at midnight too!

This morning, Hubby and I lingered over breakfast, reading the Saturday paper. I looked up at the clock - OhMyGod - almost 10:00 and here we were still sitting in our bathrobes and slippers.
One could say - "what a nice domestic scene" and down the road I know I will cherish this memory.

But today, I feel as if Time were slipping between my fingers. What am I actually accomplishing today? In this Caregiving role, life has slowed down to a crawl. That frantic pace of working and bringing up children is long gone. I don't really miss that pace. Life was going way too fast.

Now, we move more slowly. I match my pace with Hubby's. He takes a long time to eat; a long time to wash and dress; a rest period between each activity. It is almost 2:00 in the afternoon and he's downstairs doing his usual morning work-out. We got off to a late start. He is moving at a snail's pace.

I have to find a balance that works for me too. So while he was resting after the morning's activities, I made a quick trip to the grocery store. Stopped off at the drugstore. Put gas in the car. And by the time I got back home, he was ready to do his work-out. I don't monitor his work-outs. They are his.

However, over the past week, he's had problems with his 02 sats dropping too low, forcing him to stop and rest. Not only that, his heartrate did not speed up to compensate. If it goes too fast - he has to stop. If it's not fast enough - it's even worse.

So he's asked me to be there when he works out. Once again, I need to work around his needs. Not that I resent him one little bit. I love him dearly and it hurts to see him "going down" again. I just hope we're at the bottom now, and there will be a Time (soon - please, please) when his strength returns, to bring us back up to a new "high".


Karen Bastille said...

you may have mentioned this in a previous post (and I'm too lazy to go searching - lol) but have you ever checked to see if you're eligible for any sort of home help from the VNA? Even a couple of hours a couple of times a week would give you a break without any worries. It would also let your husband spread his trust a little bit. Just a thought-

Wendy said...

Thanks Karen for your thoughts. Heavens, don't worry about not searching old posts! I wouldn't either - I'd probably get lost!
Yes, it would be nice to get a little break once in a while.
Will have to approach his delicately, at the right time.
Catch you later....