Sunday, June 22, 2008

Everything is as it should be

Everything is as it should be.
Everything is as it should be..

Walking along the street, while glorious sunshine washes over me. Breathing in clean, sweet fresh air.
Birds sing as they fly overhead, busy with their busy-ness.
People working in their gardens, stop and wave (I live in a small town and everybody waves to everybody else).

Ahhhhhh- summer. Real summer. I've been waiting all winter for this.
June 20 - Summer Solstice was rainy.
Saturday, June 21 - was beautiful and sunny and not too hot. The absolutely perfect day.

So, why was I grumpy? Because I wanted to drive to Ottawa and visit my son, his wife and their 6 month old son (littlest grandchild). I had planned this visit and was looking forward to it.

But - Hubby is not feeling well. He asked me to stay home. So I am. Grumbling as I walk.
Chanting "everything is as it should be".

Thinking to myself: why are you spoiling a perfectly good day? Just because you can't make that visit? Don't you think Hubby is suffering more? Of course he is - not only is he sick, but he is feeling his neediness in having to ask me to stay with him. Selfish pig - thinking only of your own fun. O.K. - stop that right now!

"Who are you talking to?" A neighbour looks up from her weeding.
"Oh, hi Anna!" I avoid her question.

We take some time to chitchat. She tells me her son was recently diagnosed with Crohn's. I tell her my niece was diagnosed last year with Crohn's. She tells me she thinks her husband is seeing someone else. Good heavens - she's never said anything so personal to me. She must be really upset. A few more minutes of chitchat and I'm on my way.

Hmmm - I guess everyone has stuff to deal with. At least I don't have a cheating husband.

Continue on my walk. Saw a pileated woodpecker! They like to hide out in the woods; rarely do they come to people's yards.

A little girl wearing a bicycle helmet comes out of her driveway and hands me a bunch of buttercups.
"Why thank you, Kelly - aren't these for your Mom?"
"She's in the bathroom."
Tried not to laugh. I guess Mom was in the bathroom at the wrong time. Kelly couldn't wait that long to give her buttercups away.

Put some steak on the BBQ for supper. Hubby could barely eat any, but I made myself enjoy mine. Even had a little glass of wine.

At dusk, I went for a bike ride - properly dressed this time - no flip-flops.
Rounded a curve, passed a small wooded area and heard..................
an owl!!!
Wow! Strained and strained to see it, but of course the foliage was too dense.
Never mind. I really had a wonderful day after all.
I guess my visit wasn't meant to be. I can go another time.

Everything is as it should be.


JeanMac said...

It's probably no consolation, but sometimes things are not meant to be. glad yo had a cheery day anyway!

Femail doc said...

Have I not been reading your blog long enough or is your writing just getting better and better?

What an eye-opening juxtaposition of day desired and day lived. Good for all of us to remember as we struggle with that which is vs. that which we would want.

I went for an overnight visit to Leadville, Colorado this weekend to scatter my mom's ashes (she was born there 88 years ago yesterday). Leadville is at 10,000 ft, obviously nowhere a COPDer such as my husband could go. I enjoyed the drive, the hiking through the woods to the spot my brother and I had picked, and fretted on the way home about how limited we are as a couple about what we can do and where. Probably spoiled my ride home with the internal grousing. Thanks for the heads up.

Rose said...

A wonderful post, Wendy! I don't walk as often as I should, but there's nothing like a good walk to clear the mind and see things in a more positive light. Like you, I would have been grumbling about what "should have been." Sounds like your day turned out well anyway; I think you were meant to have those buttercups:)

Bear Naked said...

Your post reminded me of a Doris Day song:

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

Amy said...

Oh, my. I think your neighbor's comment defines the term "personal disclosure." However did you respond?

Sorry your husband's not feeling well. Hope his health perks up soon.

Beverly said...

Your post is wonderful. I'm glad that a day that was not as you planned turned out to be "as it should be."

I agree with femail doc. Your writing is wonderful.

beckie said...

Wendy, wonderfully written! I am glad you could work through your feelings and not hold them in. Caregivers often do that and cause a whole new set of problems. While not easy to live with, you would not really want to be anywhere else. Like others' have said...the day that was meant to be. Take care of yourself while you are caring for hubby.

Allie said...

I'm sorry to hear that you didn't get to make the trip.

Cheryl said... make me smile, you make me sad, you lift my spirits, I like you for everything you are and more........

If ever you write a book let me know, I will be the first one in the queue.....

annette said...

I am sorry you missed your trip.

I hope your husband is feeling better. Full time caregiving is draining. I am only a part time caregiver to my parents who live down the road from me and I become so weary sometimes. Please, please, please take care of yourself.

Have a blessed Tues and I hope you can go to Ottawa asap.


Wendy said...

There is something very strange about this post "everything is as it should be". I think there are gremlins hiding behind bushes laughing at me. I wrote to each and every one of you, but somehow when I went to publish my comments - they disappeared!
Hmmmmmm - well, I guess I'll start all over again.

Wendy said...

Hi Jeanmac - I did have a cheery day and thanks for stopping by.

Hi Judy - thanks for your kind words. I am glad you were able to get away for some quiet family time, even though you'd probably much rather be sitting down to tea with your mom, instead of scattering her ashes. And you probably needed to do some internal grousing before you could put it behind you. Hope your hubby is doing o.k.

Thanks Rose - I am walking my buns off these days. Weather is good and I certainly need the exercise.
Awwww - I did love those buttercups, fresh and squashed from a little girl's hand - brought back memories of when my children were small.

Wendy said...

Hi BearNaked - I remember singing that song as a child. Didn't have a clue what it meant way back then - but now I sure do!

Hi Amy - thanks for your concern. COPD is an emotional rollercoaster so we're either up or down. I didn't know how to respond to my neighbour (she has never confided in me since we don't generally talk much beyond the weather), so I just said something vague like "oh dear".

Hi Bev, I'm glad too! Looking forward to your next post - do you think it will be about Ella?

Hi Beckie - thanks for your kind words. I am learning not to let these feelings fester. Walking, sunshine, and blogging are really good ways to process my feelings. I am so glad we have this blogging community. Everyone truly lifts my spirits!

Thanks Allie - there will be another time. Hopefully, before littlest grandson outgrows the clothes I bought for him (can't resist a sale on baby's clothing)!

Wendy said...

Hi Cheryl, thanks so much for your kind words. You also inspire me. I didn't think I'd be able to write about gardening (which is one of my passions), but after reading your blog, Beckie's blog and others' I decided I'd give it a try. And it's fun!
I have written a book, called Reading Between The Lines. It's the publishing process that I'm stuck on. Think I might go the self-publishing route. Still thinking......

Hi Annette - thanks for your care and concern. I am learning more and more every day. About caregiving, about taking time to care for me. It's not easy, as I've been brought up to put other's needs before mine (a product of my generation), but hey - if there was nothing to learn in this life - how dull!
I will get away to Ottawa - it's really not that far. I was just upset because that particular saturday was sooooo perfect.

Q said...

Enjoying the "now" as it is.
You are blessed with an honest and loving heart.
Thank you for sharing your inner walk. It is a joy getting to know you.
Hearing the owl, seeing the woodpecker and being "there" for buttercups all devine gifts.

Wendy said...

Hi Sherry - thank you so much for your kind words. You are so right - the devine gifts are so special - and I do appreciate them the most.