Kitchen Window in Winter

Beverly posted some beautiful daffodils in her blog. Hers are blooming in the ground and look much prettier than mine.

But - I thought I'd post these anyway. I don't think I could go through winter without cheery yellow daffodils on my windowsill. Or begonias (in the back), or tulips or anything else that brings colour to the snowy background.

Spring is just around the corner. My son turns 36 on March 22nd!!! And we always have a snowstorm around that time. Just to tease us -

But, the good news is - it doesn't last.

It will melt.

I can't wait!!

I'm in limbo

Not sure what's happening with Hubby. One day he's nauseated and feeling shaky, the next he's feeling better.
Then we're back to nausea, spacey head, weak and tired.
It doesn't seem to matter what he does - whether he eats or not. Rests or not.

So one day I'm feeling encouraged. The next, I'm down in the dumps again.
That's me - what about him? It must feel awful for him - feeling like you're going to throw up all the time.
Reminds me of being on a boat during a storm.

Back in 2005, I was in the Bahamas. Joined a group to go swimming with dolphins. It was awesome!!!!
It happened the first day out on the boat (catamaran, actually).

The journey out to sea was wonderful. Sun beating down on us, ocean breeze, as the catamaran sailed gently through the waves. We stopped along the way to practice snorkeling. It was fun! Something I'm glad I learned and will definitely do again!

Back on the boat and out into the ocean once more. Scouting for dolphins.
The plan was to wait for their approach and then quietly slip into the water, hoping they would stick around and swim with us.

This was our first day out and we saw not a one. Quite disappointing. But we were at the beginning of our exciting adventure - no need to panic, there would be more days ahead.
Finally it was time to turn around and head back.

Suddenly, the wind grew stronger, rocking the boat. Apprehensively, I looked around. One minute everything was clear, but now fast approaching were these humongous thick, gray storm clouds. I watched helplessly as they came closer and closer, electrifying the air.

Soon we were engulfed in the fog. Rain pelted the boat.
Waves intensified - rocking our boat even more!
Some of the ladies threw-up over the side. I came close, but held on tight and kept my eyes on the horizon (someone told me to do that and it worked).

As we approached the dock, I heaved a great sigh of relief. I was so happy to get off that d*mn boat and back on to dry land once more!

Carpe Diem

"Does it look like I've lost any weight?" I ask, parading in front of Hubby in my underwear, while trying very hard to suck in my stomach.
"No," he replies.

"Hey - you're not supposed to be that honest!!!" I said struggling into my jeans. "You're supposed to say - "yes, of course - you look terrific!"

Hubby smiled. He was sitting on the edge of our bed, taking a little rest after his "breathing treatments".

He is still feeling weak and tired. Still having GI complaints. There is not
much food going in. And this is a concern. He can't afford to lose any weight.
"How about taking some of my fat?" I tease.
"I'd love to, but you won't give me any."

This is a conversation we have regularly. It usually takes place in our bedroom where one or both of us is getting dressed (or undressed).

I'm trying to lighten the atmosphere. Hubby sits there looking so forlorn, like a little lost puppy dog. "when will I feel better?" his eyes plead.

I don't know. He may never feel better. This is a constant worry. Is this episode of weakness and yukkiness just another bump in the road? Or a permanent step downward.

No matter what the outcome, we will get through this.
Carpe Diem is a Latin expression meaning "Seize the Day." So, we'll start by seizing the day.

And I've started the day by making him smile.

Nursing Notes

As I sit and watch Hubby sleeping my thoughts drift back to the days when I was a student nurse - not that long ago. Here is a page from my nursing notes:

Ring Ring
"Come in, dear!"
Ring Ring
"Come in..."
Ring Ring
"Why is nobody there? Oh do come in!"

Nurse (me) walks into the room in the geriatric unit of a Montreal hospital.
"Who's ringing for me?"
Ring Ring
"Oh, Mr. Jones, you can stop ringing now I'm here.
Ring Ring
"Mr. Jones - let me take that call bell from you. Now, what can I do for you?
"Who's there?"
"It's alright, Mrs. Smith. Nobody is at your door.
"Oh, there you are dear, would you like to come in for a cup of tea?"

Nurse(me) leaves Mr. Jones bedside and walks over to Mrs. Smith's bed.
"Mrs. Smith, you are in the hospital. Nobody is at your door." Nurse (me) plumps up pillow and smooths covers.
"Are you alright, Mrs. Smith? Do you need some water?"
It's important to keep older folks hydrated.
"Thank you. Would you like some tea?"
"No, Mrs. Smith. I have work to do. Try and get some rest."
Ring Ring
"Come in!"
"Mr. Jones, you don't need to ring the bell. I'm right here."

This was real. One of the elderly patients - a very sweet old lady, thought she was at home. Every time someone rang the call bell, she thought it was her doorbell.
She could never figure out why nobody came in to visit.

Another hospital, another rotation, another teacher. This one thought she was teaching us "proper vocabulary".
Ms. Prim & Proper Teacher along with 2 nursing students (I was one of them) walk into the room of a patient with a bit of a hearing problem.
"We are going to change your incontinence product".
"What?" says Mrs. B.

A little louder this time :"It's time to change your incontinence product."
"What?" says Mrs. B., cupping her ear with her hand.
"Your incontinence product, your incontinence product!" Ms. Prim & Proper practically shrieks.

A nurse aide was puttering around the room, sorting towels and bed linens. Turning around to face Mrs. B. she said in a loud voice "Yer diaper, yer diaper!"

"Oh," says Mrs. B. "Why didn't you say so in the first place!"

One Day at a Time

"How's Hubby?" daughter asked over the phone this morning. Hubby is not her father.
She belongs to Hubby #1.

"Tired, nauseaous, does not want to eat, went for a nap after his bath this morning".

"How's Baby?" I asked.
"Tired, crabby, did not want to eat, went for a much needed nap this morning after her bath."

Hmmmm - do I see a parallel?

Hubby is starting one of his spirals downward. It seems all I ever write about is his ups and downs. They are happening with more and more frequency. At least the downs aren't too far down. The ups aren't too far up, either.

Last night lying in bed, he told me his chest was "heavy". Vital signs were normal, making heart involvement not likely a concern. But - I was concerned anyway.

Nausea, fatigue, dizziness - are all signs of C02 build-up. This heavy chest was disconcerting.
I held him close to me and prayed.
Please don't take him yet.

I saw myself in this life cuddling Hubby. He was warm, breathing, and talking softly to me.
I looked ahead into the coming years at myself lying in that empty bed. Warm body, gentle breathing, soft voice - still.
Gone.

I did not sleep well. Freezing rain pelted the windows. Fear of a power failure kept me awake as well.
I no longer wring my hands and say "will this ever end"?
I am so afraid it will.

Good Vibrations

I had a wonderful day today!
Walked into my physiotherapy appointment with stiff ankles. The Physio manipulated and massaged; stretched and pulled.
I left there walking on air. The stiffness was gone!

I headed over to Starbuck's to meet a friend for coffee.
Such an ordinary thing to do, but it felt good to get away and "just chill".
A woman walked by, then abruptly swivelled back to look at me.
"Wendy?"
"Angie?"
"Oh my god - I haven't seen you in years!!"
"Well, pull up a chair and join us."

There's something about bumping into old friends. Immediately your energy level rises a few notches, as you excitedly share gossip and "catch up" on each others' news.

This was one of those "high energy" days for me where nearly everything falls into place. I had good news from my book publisher. I won a free coffee. I was invited to sing in a choir (one of the things I stopped when Hubby got COPD). I even had a good hair day (doesn't happen too often in winter). And, the new recipe for shrimp fettucini turned out better than I expected.

How can I have such a good day when Hubby is not?
He was feeling tired and under-the-weather today.
I took his blood pressure. Normal
He took mine. Normal.
"You're fine," I reassured him.
He nodded. "Be careful driving. Go slow on the bridge and stay in the slow lane."
"Of course I will."
I kissed his nose and merrily waved goodby.

Today I felt good. Life is changing and I am growing.
How can that be? How can I be growing when Hubby is deteriorating? We've always moved in the same direction, and all through his illness, I have been right there suffering along with him.

But something shifted inside of me earlier this year and I can feel myself separating, detaching from him. I am going on with my life - now - instead of waiting.......

And it scares the daylights out of me!

March is coming in like a Lion!

Snow, snow and more snow this morning! What a way to start off yippee-the-worst-months-of-winter-are-over!

March brings feelings of excitement as we turn the calendar and see ( yes see on this calendar page!) March 21st - Spring at last!

Well, certainly not today, as I look out my kitchen window to the snow- topped birdhouse and sad garden shed.

The good thing is - if we are to believe the old saying: March comes in like a Lion and out like a Lamb, the Lion is roaring today!

I really hope they're right (about the Lamb).

Hubby sits at the kitchen table with a pen and paper in his hand. I sit opposite him, gazing at my windowsill full of colourful spring tulips and cheery yellow daffodils. I'm dreaming of the time when I can get my hands in the Earth and feel the warm sun on my face.

"Do you know they've come to clean our driveway 16 times this winter?"

"Hmmmm?" I'm deep in the soil, playing with garden worms (really I don't mind them. Hate earwigs, though.)

"And our guy-who-shovels-the-walk has come 18 times. Quite a difference from last winter!"

"Oh really?"

My husband is a detail guy. I'm not.

He loves "playing with numbers" as he calls working with our budget and investing our finances. He loves statistics.

I don't. Statistics bore me.

He writes everything down on the calendar. Time to clean his desk. Time to change the oil in the car. Time to wash the kitchen floor.

I'm not kidding. When I first moved in here with him, he'd say "it's Wednesday, time to clean the floor"

I looked at him incredulously - "What? You have a schedule for cleaning the floor?"

"Yup - and tomorrow is vinegar-in-the-coffee-pot rinse."

You've got to be kidding!

Well, since I've taken over housekeeping, I wash the floor and rinse the coffee-maker whenever it looks like it needs it - certainly not on a time-table.

I guess that's why he's the Organized One , while I'm the Spontaneous One.

What's this got to do with a very snowy First Day of March? I have no idea. I just got sidetracked.