Monday, March 3, 2008

Good Vibrations

I had a wonderful day today!
Walked into my physiotherapy appointment with stiff ankles. The Physio manipulated and massaged; stretched and pulled.
I left there walking on air. The stiffness was gone!

I headed over to Starbuck's to meet a friend for coffee.
Such an ordinary thing to do, but it felt good to get away and "just chill".
A woman walked by, then abruptly swivelled back to look at me.
"Wendy?"
"Angie?"
"Oh my god - I haven't seen you in years!!"
"Well, pull up a chair and join us."

There's something about bumping into old friends. Immediately your energy level rises a few notches, as you excitedly share gossip and "catch up" on each others' news.

This was one of those "high energy" days for me where nearly everything falls into place. I had good news from my book publisher. I won a free coffee. I was invited to sing in a choir (one of the things I stopped when Hubby got COPD). I even had a good hair day (doesn't happen too often in winter). And, the new recipe for shrimp fettucini turned out better than I expected.

How can I have such a good day when Hubby is not?
He was feeling tired and under-the-weather today.
I took his blood pressure. Normal
He took mine. Normal.
"You're fine," I reassured him.
He nodded. "Be careful driving. Go slow on the bridge and stay in the slow lane."
"Of course I will."
I kissed his nose and merrily waved goodby.

Today I felt good. Life is changing and I am growing.
How can that be? How can I be growing when Hubby is deteriorating? We've always moved in the same direction, and all through his illness, I have been right there suffering along with him.

But something shifted inside of me earlier this year and I can feel myself separating, detaching from him. I am going on with my life - now - instead of waiting.......

And it scares the daylights out of me!

4 comments:

Amy said...

"Life is changing and I am growing.
How can that be? How can I be growing when Hubby is deteriorating? We've always moved in the same direction, and all through his illness, I have been right there suffering along with him.

But something shifted inside of me earlier this year and I can feel myself separating, detaching from him. I am going on with my life - now - instead of waiting.......

And it scares the daylights out of me!"

This passage makes me want to read your book. I feel like you're in my head, lol.

My daughter is going the opposite way, starting out very severe and has been slowly improving. Now at age 9, she actually "seems" healthy despite the asthma. When she was little, I wanted nothing more than for her to be like this.

But, yes--now that we're here, it's a little frightening after all these years of her getting sick and flaring constantly, to have that free time back, that distance from her.

For very different reasons, I know just what you mean.

Wendy said...

Thanks for your comments, Amy. I am glad your daughter is getting better. It can be pretty scary looking after a sick child, especially with a breathing condition like asthma.

Will let you know when my book comes out - thanks for the support.

Beverly said...

I think I can identify with your feelings. After a spouse dies, one feels many of the same things.

I remember once, not too long after my husband was taken so suddenly from us, I had some company over. My daughter was there, and one of the guests was a high school classmate who was is a comedian. She could take the most ordinary story and turn it into a hilarious tale.

My daughter was sitting there, wanting to laugh, but I think she wondered if it was o.k. Finally, she just put her head down and howled in laughter. That was a good thing.

Wendy said...

Beverly,
Thank you for sharing that intimate story. It must have been a real tug-of-war going on inside you (and your daughter). Is it appropriate to laugh? How can I do this with hubby (father) having just passed away. I am glad your daughter was able to laugh. Her dad was probably laughing too!