In My Somewhat Cocoon

I feel like I am living in a cocoon.

In his illness, Hubby has drawn a cocoon around himself.

I need to remain near him; easing his burden; helping him stay alive. Feeding his energy, as mine ebbs.


And so I am forced to live in a cocoon as well.


Well, maybe not quite. I can push open the back door and rush out to snatch laundry off the clothesline before it rains. Or fling open the front door, hop onto my bike and chase after the full moon, if I want.


Hubby can't. He would sit by the window and watch.....


I can jump in the car and go shopping, fill up on gas (not that anybody looks forward to that - at these prices), check out new books at the library, visit the garden center.


Hubby can't. He sits at home and waits for me to return.....


My daughter calls: "Mom can you come and babysit today and tomorrow?"

"I'd love to, but I can't do both. How about tomorrow?" My daughter understands.


Hubby stays home. He rarely sees his grandchild. His Elder Son comes here to visit.......once in a while..... and only if he doesn't have a cold.


Then why do I feel as if I'm in a cocoon? I can come and go as I please.
Well, not really. My "freedom" is limited.

Then I must be living somewhat in a cocoon. Partially in a cocoon. With little cat doors or windows, where I can crawl out from time to time....to nourish my spirit.

While my body "rests" in my Somewhat Cocoon, my mind is working furiously:

Why am I so cut off from social life? I can't work. I can't travel. I can't pick up and go whenever I want. Every visit to the library, to my grandchildren, to grocery shop must be planned around Hubby's needs. I can't stay away overnight.

What is this supposed to be teaching me?
Where is my learning, my growth in this experience?
It is said "When one door closes another opens".
Which door is that and where is it?

It looks as though Life has given me a gift. A bit of a "time out" from the flow of normal outside activities.
Time for what? Inner growth?
Is that what happens inside a cocoon?


Should I be rejoicing? Well I'm not. I'm like a child who was not invited to the party....... I stick my nose against the windowpane and look longingly at the rest of the world, that merrily goes on without me.

Will I look back on this time and say "I was handed a golden opportunity - the time to develop my inner self. Why didn't I publish my book, write another one, create an on-line business, learn some crafts, languages, and anything else that took my fancy?"

Will I look back on this time and remember only the good parts? Will I feel blessed with the strength of our love that kept us going.

All my lessons of ......
Focus on what you have - not what you don't have.
If you can't change your situation, change your attitude (or energy).
Life is not waiting for the storm to pass; it's learning to dance in the rain.
.......are not working today.



I long for the day when I can fly free. Shake out my glistening butterfly wings and...... go. Escape to a sunny tropical beach; lie on the sand and listen...... to the rhythmic song of the waves, as they soothe my weary soul.


But that day will also be laced with grief; saturated with tears and pain. Hubby will be gone.

So I sit in my Somewhat Cocoon today.......

Waiting for the Storm to Pass instead of...... Learning to Dance in the Rain.

After the Rain

Can you see the spider web?
It's intricate pattern delicately woven through the leaves, catching a moment's light between rain clouds.


Ah yes - I never tire of photographing my favourite hibiscus......can you see how gentle rainwater has collected deep inside the flower? Like a cup of nectar waiting to nourish a thirsty hummer, or curious bee.

We've been lucky. Steady drumming rains, gentle winds of change, no damage - just softness in our gardens and lawns.
Others have not been so fortunate.
Love and Light for those suffering from Ike's storm.

Life Cycles

Summer is winding down. A flower on my pink hibiscus droops.....

as does Hubby.

Summer was not kind to Hubby. Too much humidity. Too much rain.

Made for difficult breathing, sapping his strength.

We did go out in the car - briefly. A 20-minute ride to our favourite coffee spot; through the drive-thru and back home again - take-out coffee cups in our hands.

20 minutes - all he could handle.

But, at least he got out. A change of scenery from our back deck.

As the weather cools down and turns downright cold, outings will be a memory once again.

Towards the end of August, we had some unexpected good weather. Warm temps, low humidity and Hubby looked happy once more.

But with every "up", there will inevitably be a "down".

And with every "down", we will hopefully have brighter days to look forward to.

So, we make the best of it. When he spends most of the day sleeping, I don't freak out anymore. I know his tired body just needs extra rest. Perhaps it's the coffee outing..... or bath day...... or digestion is taking it's toll. (I made him french toast the other day - his favourite; but it sat like a lead balloon in his stomach all morning, forcing him to rest in his chair).

Little things like that creep up on us. Yesterday he could eat french toast, oatmeal, fried eggs. Today, he can't. Yesterday (it seems) he could drive the car, rake leaves, enjoy a glass of wine. Today - those pleasures are long gone.

You can see how fragile he is. Nothing new..... I've said it before, but it still amazes me how he can function day after day with so little strength, so little lung capacity.
And yet on good days, when his eyes light up with a smile, I can see his spirit; I can see the old Hubby...... before COPD.

And so.......Life goes on.....

Remembering 9-11-2001

Remembering 9-11-2001

A very sad time.

They say it changed the nation - I think it changed the world.

Where were you?

Hubby and I were vacationing in Ogunquit, Maine. The weather was perfect for our short holiday.

I stood high up on the rocky pathway; watching the power of the ocean.

Waves surged forward in a rush, only to smash to the shore.

I love the ocean. It relaxes me.......lulls me.

I felt at peace. Turned to hubby and asked if he was ready to go for a swim.

He was, and so we went back to the car to collect our things - blanket, cooler, sunscreen.

We slammed the trunk and were just heading down the footpath towards the beach area when a woman approached me.

"Did you hear?"

My head must have been in rhythm with the waves, for I thought she was talking about the weather.

"Very nice". I smiled.

She gave me a strange look.

"The Twin Towers." she almost yelled at me.

"What?" I was really confused now. I looked for Hubby, but he was already down by the water, spreading our blanket over the sand.

Then she told me.

Later that evening my daughter called our hotel room. She was worried that we may not be able to come home, since the Canadian/American borders had been closed.

I rather hoped we would be forced to extend our vacation!

That didn't happen. Fortunately, for us - all's well that ends well.

Others were not so fortunate.

What about you - do you remember where you were?

Autumn is in the Air

A time for changes.... a time for transitions.

The warmth of summer nights has given way to cooler September air.
Our sun's shining warmth is waning........glowing red in the western sky each evening, like embers from a fireplace. Then dropping out of sight, as dusk creeps up on us....... earlier and earlier.

Change is in the air.
My blog has changed.
I have not posted about Hubby for a while.
This is "supposed" to be a blog about Caregiving.
But it has changed, as I have.

I have learned - so much! So much from my blogging friends......as I "listen" to each point of view, each perspective........ rejoicing in your happiness; shedding tears for your pain .........all part of the human growth experience.

I can't wait to peek into the lives and gardens of my blogger friends. Can't wait to post pics of my grandkids or my garden.
And yet there are days when I don't want to go near the computer. Enough! My neck is sore from hunching over my laptop. My fingers are cramped from writing. My back is sore - well, it's always sore...

And how am I going to live "real" life, if I'm always at the computer? Computer life is not real life.
But the friends I've made are real.

How would I ever explain that to my mother, for instance, who never even used a computer. How would I explain that I've made bonds, friendship bonds with people I've never met?

I am listening......... to changes in the air from some of my blogger friends. I can "hear" that their priorities are changing. Their lives are changing.........transitioning........... as we are with the seasons.

I am learning the value in Letting go.
Letting go of reading some excellent blogs. There just isn't time.

Letting go of really good posts. In the beginning I would write a good post and then worry about it getting lost in the archives.
Where will it go now? Who will read it?
I am learning that I can build on those "good posts".
I will create more. I will evolve. And I will learn from those "not so good posts" too.

Letting go of the seasons.
I find it hard to let go of summer. ......warm, golden, sunny days....flowers bursting with colour.......flip-flops and shorts......BBQ's and swimming pools.... riding my bike. And yet, I've "listened" to other bloggers welcome the autumn with enthusiasm.
Once upon a time, many years ago as a child - I too welcomed autumn and even winter with it's promise of Christmas and snowflakes; building snowmen and sliding down snowy slopes.

I thank you my blogger friends for giving me these gifts; you've taught me to look upon the inevitable pathway to autumn with joy - not dread.

And so whether or not I blog about Caregiving or gardening or poetry or the weather or grandkids or seasons, it really doesn't matter. I've changed.

And Hubby has changed. He's better than he was all summer, but not as strong as he was earlier this year.
We 've had to face another one of those dreaded "steps down" ......which will be my post for next time.
Goodnight, dear bloggers - until the next post.....

Feeding the Ducks

Hey duckies - may I swim with you too?

Come here duckies ... I've got some bread for you..

Ducks are all gone. Maybe I should eat the rest of their bread!

Ahhhh - grandmothering is so satisfying.....

September 1st

A flock of geese startled me on my walk this morning (no, I didn't bring my camera, so this pic is one I "googled").

It's Labour Day and the official end of summer activities. Swimming pools and public beaches close because the life-guards have to go back to school.
Or because the children have to go back to school.

It seems to me it's too early to close up. Summer's not finished yet.
We have another 3 weeks to go until September 22, when fall officially arrives.

And this weekend has been glorious! We're still in summer mode: lots of sun, warm temps, blue skies, shorts, T-shirts and flipflops.

As I bask in our late summer weather, enjoying a pina colada on my back deck (o.k. a cup of iced tea, but that sounded boring), fall seems light-years away. My dahlias and hibiscus are still in full bloom, not ready to "retire" yet.

However, on my walk this morning, I heard the unmistakable honking of a flock of geese.
Canada geese! Already?

Hey - it's way too early for them to leave just yet. It's only the First day of September!
Would somebody please tell them to turn around and go back.
I'm not ready to say good-by to our geese.
I'm much happier to welcome them back in the spring.

A bold blue jay alights on the hedge nearby, staring at me with his beady eye, an acorn in his beak. Chipmunks hustle and bustle around the yard, gathering nuts; while saucy squirrels throw acorns down on us from high up in the trees.
Hmm....