Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Life Supports Us to Fly....

..... is an affirmation I learned recently. But why do I feel as if my wings are clipped?
It's almost spring and yet - these last few weeks feel like the worst, as we wait for the snow to melt.
Conversations always start with "when the snow melts we will...."
...get out and go for a long walk, bicycle, take our baby out in the stroller, go visiting and spend some time in the outdoors, clean the garage, paint the garage floor, clean up the back yard, see some spring flowers, etc. etc.

So, today, I jumped in the car and off I went to Chapters to buy some books for the grandkids for Easter. I'd already purchased colourful baskets and some chocolate eggs and bunnies. I keep the amount of chocolate small as I know the Easter bunny (and the other grandma) will bring more.

Hubby watched me go, as always. He is feeling better and I am glad. It's been a rough couple of weeks. I wonder if he will ever regain the strength he lost over those weeks.

This morning we had an "argument" (we don't really argue, just voice our opinions, and I usually just give in at this stage of the game, rather than adding to his feelings of powerlessness) over the vacuum cleaner. It broke and I need a new one. Hubby thinks we should send it out to be "fixed". Yeah, right. Imagine the cost of repairing an old vacuum? And the time? They'd probably want to keep it for weeks. If they do still repair vacuums.

I came home from Chapters with more books than I had intended. It's always like that. I love buying grandkids gifts (who doesn't?).
"Whoa - I think you went a little overboard!"
Oh puleeese, I thought. We have very different opinions on spending money.
He hates to spend money. I love to. I equate spending money with opening up and enjoying life. He equates money with losing something.

His world is closing around him. I know that, but I don't want to go with him. I want to jump back into the stream of life.
He occupies a world of fear. I feel bad for him. It must be horrible, and I am trying to do everything I can to ease his pain.
But it's not my world.

I want to open my world up and live! And dance! And have fun!!
And fly!!!


JeanMac said...

Totally understand.

LK said...

I think I know what you mean. We are always saying, this Spring... or this Summer. My daughter (6 yo) keeps asking, "is it Spring YET?" Everyday must be a celebration of life. Why wait for Spring? I love the old Rare Earth song - "I just want to celebrate another day of living" - it really puts me into the here and now and let's me feel appreciative of the day.

Asthmagirl said...

Even if he were well, I can see how there might be conflict over money. And I understand your need to "be" and how tough that must be for both of you.

On a lessor note, I've finally convinced my husband to do things without me. I can still do a lot, but I'm leery of doing something I've done poorly at before. I'd rather hear about it when he comes back and enjoy doing the things I know I can do.

Michelle said...

I feel for you and for your husband. I'm glad he's feeling better. I pray you have a blessed Easter.