Sunday, January 13, 2008

Sitting on the Edge

I feel tense. I feel anxiety in my body. I feel like I'm sitting on the edge of something.
It is not a comfortable feeling.
Hubby is sleeping - has been most of the day.
So, I wait.
Do I go out? Stay in?
Call someone on the phone? Bake some cookies? Clean the house?
Will I finish my task or be interrupted?
What am I waiting for? Hubby to get better or Hubby to get worse?
I truly don't know.
It's the not knowing that keeps me "sitting on the edge".
Am I caught up in his energy once more? Do I have to remind myself yet again to "detach" and let him go through whatever he needs to and not get my energy sucked out in the process?

Supper is over and once again the sun has come out - hubby is washing dishes.
He still looks tired. He still looks frail.
But - he is up and washing dishes.
Things are back to normal - for tonight.


JOY said...

Yes, I can totally relate to that one. Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing & what I'm waiting for too.He was supposed to start a New Year's resolution to get a little exercise everyday, but again it's the same pattern. He does it 2 or 3 times & then he quits. So, I'll ask him "What are you waiting for?"He knows what I mean. I can't go on & on about it anymore.But it's just not good to stay in bed for 16hrs!At least if he gets up & dressed I feel better. It seems like he's waiting to die when he doesn't get up. It's very depressing. The move has got him a little uptight to be sure, especially since there isn't much he can do to help. Sometimes 10 days goes by & he hasn't been out of the house so hopefully tomorrow will be sunny & that will help to improve his mood (mine too)

Wendy said...

This is where the "caregiving is not for wimps" stuff comes in. We encourage them to be as active as possible. Sometimes it's like pulling teeth. We're trying to help them, but it doesn't always work.

At the same time, we watch them deteriorate or stay in bed most of the day, as if waiting to die.
It sucks! It's horrible! There is nothing we can really do.

We take on full responsibility for the house too and in your case - moving house!! And that makes them feel guilty.

It's a crazy situation. Still don't know how I got here. But, I keep telling myself to "learn to dance in the rain" (or snow as we have out here).

Thanks for posting - I hear your frustration. Hang in there, kiddo, we're all in the same boat.